


When It's All Too Much

by Anonymous_Ostrich



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Jaal's got it bad, M/M, Pre-Romance, Ryder is going through a LOT, but he's got it bad too, spoilers for Hunting the Archon quest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 06:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13541397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous_Ostrich/pseuds/Anonymous_Ostrich
Summary: After the mission on the Archon's ship, Ryder distances himself from his crew. Jaal's not nosy, really, but it's hard for him to ignore a dear friend in the midst of an emotional crisis.





	When It's All Too Much

"Hey you guys!" Peebee shouted from the upper floor of the hanger, halting both Jaal and Gil in their maintenance on the Nomad and practically causing Gil to slam his head into the Nomad's undercarriage. Jaal craned his neck to see Peebee looking over the railing, glowering at them impatiently.

"Is it too much to ask for some warning before you start yelling?" Gil groaned, peeking out from under the Nomad.

"That  _was_ my warning," Peebee answered, puzzled. She leaned against the railing, tapping her boot on the steel floor grating. "Where's Ryder?"

"How should  _we_ know?" Gil called back grumpily. "You do see that we're working over here, right?" To be fair, Gil was doing most of the work, while Jaal just handed him tools and occasionally pried something open.

Peebee rolled her eyes masterfully. "Well  _Jaal_ usually has some idea, at least!" she argued, turning her gaze to Jaal questioningly.

It shouldn't have been surprising that the rest of the crew was catching on to how much time he and the Pathfinder were spending together. Jaal scratched his chin in thought. "I… Cannot say I do, just at the moment," he answered her. A small worry crept into his mind. "He is not on the bridge?"

"He's not anywhere!" Peebee threw her arms in the air. "If he was on the bridge, would I be here asking you two?"

"Keep poking around, I'm sure he'll turn up," Gil called, shifting his focus back to his work. "Why not ask SAM? He's kinda, you know, in Ryder's head and all."

Peebee gasped and popped her fist into her hand. "Gil, you're a genius!"

"Well, yeah I know, but that's not really-"

"Hey SAM!" Peebee called, crossing her arms over her chest and glancing at the ceiling as though SAM were some ghostly presence, "Where's the Pathfinder at, huh? I have something I need to tell him and I've looked everywhere!"

There was a contemplative silence over the comsystem before a voice answered Peebee's inquiry. "Hello, Peebee," SAM's voice said tamely. "The Pathfinder is currently in his quarters. He does not wish to be disturbed at this time."

Peebee deflated. "Oh, really? Well, I guess it can wait for later. Thanks, SAM."

As Peebee walked off, Jaal watched her, his mind surging with concern. It had only been two days since they'd returned from their harrowing experience aboard the Archon's ship. Drack had been aloof since the moment they'd stepped back onto the Tempest, and he'd been especially cold to Ryder since their return. It was understandable, of course, given the decision Ryder ultimately made on that ship, but the rather large part of Jaal that felt fierce, protective tenderness for the Pathfinder couldn't help but feel slightly bitter at Drack's attitude. Ryder was put in an impossible position, with only a split-second to decide who lived and who died, and he made the call he thought was best. It was all he could do. Though Jaal supposed being upset was all Drack could do, either.

"Hey, Jaal? Are you going to hand me that regulator or am I just going to hold my arm out until it goes all weird and tingly?" Gil's voice pulled Jaal out of his circulating thoughts with a start. He quickly handed Gil the required item with a fumbled apology.

.

.

.

Several hours passed before Jaal could no longer stand not knowing. He hated the idea of Ryder secluding himself for hours on end, processing something like that all alone and without any form of support. It was very possible, of course, that nothing was wrong and Ryder simply wanted to be left alone, but Jaal didn't think inquiring about it would trouble his dear friend either way. If he didn't attempt to reach out, to offer support, he wasn't sure he could forgive himself.

As soon as Jaal neared the Pathfinder's quarters, SAM's voice spoke to him abruptly through his omni-tool. "Hello, Jaal. The Pathfinder does not wish to be disturbed at this time."

"Ah, I realize that, but I was hoping-"

The doors suddenly swished open and Jaal looked up to find himself face to face with Ryder, who was staring at him with lips partially parted and eyes wide in surprise. Eyes that upon further inspection seemed strangely puffy and red. A human illness, perhaps?

"Jaal!" Ryder sputtered, clearing his throat and stepping back. "Sorry, uh, SAM's just trying to help. I mean, I did say I wanted to be left alone, but, well. It's fine if it's you." As he often did, Ryder glanced away in embarrassment, scratching the side of his neck. He crossed his arms and tried leaning against the door frame casually. "So. Did you, uh, need something?"

"Well, nothing in particular," Jaal admitted with a quirk of his mouth, "I simply wanted to see you. Is that alright? I can leave if you'd rather be alone."

Ryder's expression softened and he smiled, though Jaal noticed it lacked his usual warmth and friendliness. It looked strained. Painful.

"No no, it's fine. I'd be glad to have you around, really." Ryder stepped back and ushered Jaal into the room. "Come in."

The doors slid closed behind him as Jaal moved into the room, his eyes sliding over the dimly lit space. From the looks of it, Ryder had been spending most of his time in bed if the state of the disheveled sheets was anything to go by. His terminal was on, his email inbox open, and a few scattered paper-bound books littered the desk and the bed. Ryder went to his bed to smooth out a space for them to sit, picking up books and tucking them in his arms along the way.

"Sorry, I was just getting caught up on some reading," he offered as an explanation, laughing. "Wasn't expecting company."

"I understand." Jaal answered softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed when Ryder indicated it was appropriate to do so. There was something wrong. Ryder was avoiding his eyes, moving quickly and almost frantically through his room to put things away. Seeing as how his room wasn't even messy enough to warrant such panic, it was clear he was just avoiding contact.

When he finally sat down beside Jaal, there was more distance between them than usual. Ryder summoned his strangely forced smile once again.

"So, how's everything? I mean, I know I just saw you a few hours ago, but a lot can happen in a few hours around here."

Jaal never saw a reason to postpone talking about emotions. "I was worried about you, and now I see that I may have had reason to be," he said gently. "You've been in here for nearly twelve hours, and SAM is still insisting you want to be left alone. In my opinion, 'alone' is not so good, especially after what you went through on the Archon's ship."

Ryder's false smile fell, and suddenly his eyes looked tired. He joined his hands together between his knees and stared at the floor. "What  _I_  went through?" he laughed, but this time it was humorless. "I'm not really sure what you're talking about.  _I'm_ totally fine. It's Drack and the krogans who suffered."

"They have suffered greatly, but you have suffered just as much," Jaal argued gently. "Ryder, you  _died_. Just because SAM resuscitated you does not make that experience any less frightening or impactful. And if that weren't enough, you were asked to make an impossible decision, a decision that no man or woman should ever have to make."

"Jaal, I'm  _fine_."

"Why are you being dishonest with me?" Jaal asked desperately. "There is no shame in feeling shaken after everything that's happened." A tense silence followed his words. "Talk to me." Jaal pleaded gently.

All of a sudden, the air between them seemed to thicken. Ryder's expression darkened and his brow pinched together. "You want me to talk? Fine. Yeah, I made a decision. A decision that cost those krogans their lives. No, not just their lives, their  _identities_ , their  _pride_. I saw what the kett were turning them into, and I  _still_ …" Ryder shook his head, exhaling a shaky sigh.

"You had only a moment to decide. The salarian Pathfinder was asking for our help."

"That doesn't make her life more valuable than the krogans!" Ryder shot back, face twisting in anger. "Don't you see what I did? In that single moment, I decided that Zevin's life was worth more. Because she's a Pathfinder, or because I was already familiar with her, I have no idea, but it doesn't matter. Because of me, those krogan will be killed or worse. Probably worse."

Jaal rose his hand to touch Ryder's shoulder. Ryder looked ready to flinch, but did not. "And if you hadn't chosen the way you did, you would be lamenting the deaths of the salarians. We only had time to rescue one of them. You did what anyone would have done in your position."

Ryder rubbed his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose. "I shouldn't have even been the person to make that choice. I shouldn't even  _be_ here." he murmured miserably. His shoulders were trembling, and suddenly Jaal realized why his eyes were so red and inflamed. He'd been crying. Jaal had never seen a human cry, but he felt silly for not considering the differences in their anatomy and how clearly dilated blood vessels must appear on the whites of human eyes. "I'm sorry," Ryder continued, and Jaal could see the tears emerging now, dribbling over his fingers. "I was trying to deal with this myself so that you didn't have to… you know…"

Jaal shook his head and gently turned Ryder toward him, holding his upper arms supportively. "Ryder, you should know that out of anyone on this ship, I would never think badly of you for showing emotion," he said. "To cry is to feel. You need to feel this. And I want to help you through it."

A strangled sob jerked Ryder's shoulders, but still he was holding himself back. "You don't understand," he said weakly, "it's not… I'm not trying to hide my emotions, Jaal. I just don't want anyone to know the truth about me. I don't want everyone to see that I have  _no idea what I'm doing_."

Jaal's eyes widened in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Ryder looked at him with a pained expression. "Just what I said. I'm completely out of my depth here! I can't make these kinds of decisions, Jaal, I just can't. I'm not qualified for this. My dad was supposed to be here,  _he_ was the one who was supposed to be making these tough calls! Nothing phased my dad. He would never run to his room and hide himself away like such a…" Ryder pressed his lips together and glanced away, looking sick with himself, "... such a coward. He would have made that decision and thought no more about it. He was  _trained_ to make those decisions, he was  _trained_ to deal with life or death situations and not bat an eye. My father was a leader. Me? I'm nothing. I'm an idealistic explorer who just had a super-advanced AI shoved into his head."

There was a moment of contemplative silence as Jaal processed Ryder's words. Finally, he slid his hands down Ryder's arms, holding his hands. "Forgive me for saying this, but I think I greatly prefer you to your father," he said gently. "A man without compassion is not a man at all. Your compassion is one of the traits I love the most about you. It is what makes you special, it is what gives you strength."

" _This_  is strength?" Ryder asked, laughing between sobs.

"Yes." Jaal answered firmly. "If you were not despairing over the lives lost on the Archon's ship, you would be no better than the kett. You feel for them. You mourn them. You blame yourself for their deaths. You need to feel it,  _all_ of it, so that you can become an even better leader than you are now." He squeezed Ryder's hands reassuringly. "I did not know your father, but I am certain he would be very proud of you.  _Very_ proud."

As though his words were a spell, Ryder broke into tears the moment Jaal finished speaking. He covered his face in his hands and wept, and without even thinking Jaal wrapped the human in his arms and pulled him close, nuzzling his mouth and chin into Ryder's soft hair.

"I miss him _so much_..." Ryder mumbled, his words broken and nearly incomprehensible through his sobs.

"I know," Jaal whispered. He remembered too well the pain of losing a father suddenly and senselessly. Now that he thought about it, he'd met Ryder so soon after his father passed away, he doubted Ryder had been allowed longer than a moment to properly grieve his loss. Hopefully now that he'd opened the floodgates of his grief, he could begin to heal.

It was then, perhaps, that Jaal realized the full extent of his feelings for this handsome alien who had fallen into his life. He was in love, pitifully and completely. There was no sense in denying it, though he wished he'd picked a more appropriate time to explore the depth of his affections. Jaal knew he would do anything for the man in his arms, and he loathed that there existed a single force in the universe that could make Ryder feel so broken and defeated. It made him despise the kett even more, if such a thing were even possible.

For several minutes, Ryder clung to Jaal and cried softly into his rofjinn. Jaal hugged him tightly, gently rocking them on occasion, murmuring comforting words into Ryder's hair. He didn't care how long it took, he'd stay here all night if Ryder let him, but finally the Pathfinder's sobs began to dwindle and his breathing became steady and calm. Reluctantly, they separated from one another, Ryder wiping at his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie. Jaal kept a hand anchored on his shoulder, just in case.

"How are you?" Jaal asked him quietly. Ryder offered him a smile, sincere and warm and beautifully familiar.

"Better," he answered, his voice gravelly and weak. "Although my head is pounding and I feel like I haven't slept in a week."

Jaal smiled and ran his hand gently through Ryder's hair, catching the faint blush that rose on the Pathfinder's bronze skin at the contact. "Emotions exhaust us so that we may rest. To better take care of ourselves."

"I have a load of things to do, though," Ryder argued, though his voice lacked conviction and he looked to almost be falling asleep as he spoke. "Drack is still super pissed at me. I need to talk to him."

"Drack needs time. He cares about you too much to hold a grudge over such a thing, and if he does, he and I will have words."

"Well… Okay. But Addison is waiting on me to give her an update on settling Kadara, we'll be docking at the Nexus soon, and-"

"And you can afford to sleep until we get there," Jaal countered firmly. "You're no good to anyone if you're so tired you can barely stand." He stood from the bed, grabbing up fistfuls of the bed sheets to arrange them so that Ryder could shimmy under them. "Come, now. You have a very capable crew, the ship is in good hands until we reach the Nexus. You need to rest."

Ryder stared at Jaal for a good long moment before letting out a long sigh of defeat. "Okay, you have a point," he murmured with a tired grin. He allowed Jaal to help him under the sheets, kicking his shoes off. "You know, you're really motherly," he added with a sleepy laugh.

"Oh?" Jaal pulled the sheets up around the Pathfinder's shoulders. "I shall take that as a compliment."

"It was meant as a compliment," Ryder affirmed. He raised his hand to touch Jaal's wrist. "You're strong too, you know. You might be the strongest person I've ever met." His eyes were earnest despite all the tears he'd cried. "Thank you for… this. For coming to see me."

Jaal's heart seemed to have flown into his throat, lodging itself there. "Of course." he replied softly, affectionately. He very nearly said something more before Ryder interrupted him.

"I know this is kind of weird to ask, but, would you mind, um… Staying? For a little while? You don't have to get in bed if you don't want to, but-"

Before Ryder could even finish his rambling request, Jaal was pulling off his boots and stripping down to his much more comfortable undershirt and trousers.

"Oh." Was all Ryder could manage as Jaal stepped around the bed and slipped under the sheets, laying on his side and gently reaching out to pull Ryder against him. Ryder allowed it without complaint, shifting onto his side to let Jaal rest behind him. Jaal wrapped his arms around the Pathfinder's waist, burying his face in Ryder's neck.

"Is this alright?" Jaal asked quietly. As for an answer, Ryder relaxed in his arms completely, heaving a long, calming breath.

"Yeah," he answered contentedly. "Big spoon, huh?"

"A big spoon…?" Jaal frowned at the strangely translated phrase, "What does this mean?"

Ryder laughed so softly it was barely audible over the gentle hum of the  _Tempest's_  engines. "Never mind," he mumbled, the very last word he said before he slipped off into a deep slumber.

Jaal did not sleep. He stayed awake listening to the soft breathing of the man he loved, the man he wanted to protect, praying to whatever deity would listen that he could be permitted to share even a portion of Ryder's burden.

But he knew he couldn't, not really. The path laid out before Ryder was lonely and overwhelming, and the role thrust upon him was even more so. Even if Jaal couldn't make it easier for him, he was determined to stay by his side, come what may.

Loving him would have to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> It's weird that my first Mass Effect fic is an Andromeda fic considering the trilogy meant so much to me, but it is what it is. Maybe this will finally encourage me to write that post-ME3 Shepard/Garrus fic I've had in my head since I finished playing the dang thing? Who knows! The only certainty at this point is that Jaal's romance is the sweetest, sappiest frickin thing in the universe and I am bursting with feelings over these two emotional idiots.
> 
> This fic (if it wasn't clear) is taking place directly after the quest "Hunting the Archon" and before Jaal invites Ryder to meet his mother. I'm about 50% through the main plot, so no spoilers please!


End file.
